Have you decided to spend a weekend in cabin out in the woods? Maybe you have watched a scary tape and got a strange phone call after? Did you play with a Ouija board in a haunted house with your drunk friends?
If so, you may have found yourself in a horror film. Of course you want to survive said scary experience, so without sounding too much like Randy in Scream, I bring to you a guide of what not to do if you somehow find yourself living a horror film....
Don't Ask "Who's There?"
Or the dreaded, "Is anyone there?" Just don't do it. If you find yourself hearing a weird bump in the night, would you really want to draw whatever its attention is to yourself? Rule number one of surviving a horror film should really be about keeping yourself hidden or at least of the radar.
Don't ever draw attention to yourself. As soon as you ask if anyone if there, be prepared for a heck of jump scare.
Don't Buy Creepy Dolls
Other than the fact they tend to always be possessed by a spirit, they are also pretty darn creepy to look at. Why would you even want something like that in your house?
The same applies to statues or mannequins. Owning any of these things is always going to end up in your downfall in horror film land. Don't even get me started on the Weeping Angels in Doctor Who...
Don't Ever Go In The Basement Or Attic
Quite honestly I don't think I ever want to own a house that has either of those things. Attics and basements just attract bad things. All the time.
If you alas do have either one in your house, don't check the goddamn place out if you hear a noise. That has to be the stupidest plan anyone can ever have in a horror film. If by chance you do feel brave enough to go in one, make sure you have a light with you at least. Just not a candle, you know that will get blown out pretty quickly..
Don't Go To Somewhere Without Network Reception
Other than the fact you can't go on Twitter or Instagram, you just can't take that risk. Why on earth would you put yourself in that situation?
I get that some places in the world just won't have reception and it might be unavoidable. So if you just *have* to get there, I wish you all the best. I have no real advice for you here.
Don't Ever Film Yourself Or The Situation Around You
Found footage is annoying as hell, let's just get that out of the way. Honestly deciding to film your terrifying situation will probably just make it worse.
Especially don't film yourself sleeping. Do you really want to know what's going on when you are in the land of nod? No you don't.
If you really do want to film what is going on, make sure you either leave the camera in a good place to be found or at least make sure your killer is well equipped at editing footage. Make your death slightly worth while.
Don't Get Naked
Getting naked is a sure fire way to getting yourself bumped off. I don't care if you *need* to have a shower. As soon as you whip of those pants, you may as well give up right there.
Sex is also a massive no no. You just know you or your partner will meet a brutal end. It may happened after the deed or during your 'adult cuddle'. Get those clothes firmly on if you want to survive.
Don't Run In A Straight Line
If you are having to run away from someone or something, bring some smarts to your escape. Say someone is shooting at you, then zig zag all over the damn place. Keep your speed up of course but try and confuse the hell out of them.
What if something is falling on you? Like say a space ship? Well don't do a Charlize Theron ever. If something is coming down on you, don't bloody run straight ahead. It is going to squish you hard. Run in the complete opposite direction!
More Things Not To Do
- Don't read from any creepy books. Especially if they are in Latin.
- Don't chase after your pet. They will lead you to your death.
- Don't buy a house that used to be an Asylum or on an old burial ground.
- Don't ever split up from your friends. This should be obvious.
- Don't go into the woods at night time.
- Don't go swimming in the ocean. It's just not worth it.
- Don't trust children. Better yet, don't have any children in your life.
- Don't answer distress signals.
- Don't land on a random planet and go around touching things.
- Don't go in caves or any dark place. The London Underground especially..
Follow these rules and you may stand a chance in a horror film situation. I wish you all the best.
Is there any major tip I have missed out? Let me know in the comments.
Till the next time!